Sunday, January 25, 2009
By Phalange Onus, Special Correspondent for WiffleWOOD.com
PART THREE: THE END???
Spring Training 2008. The date was March 30th, a date that I will remember for the rest of my life.
Watching from the stands during what is normally just a fun day of exhibition, I saw something I will never forget. I saw a man - and at the time what I thought to be a team - on a mission. No longer were they just the lovable losers. They wanted the love of a winner, but wanting something and doing something are two very different things.
The birds were chirping and the sound of plastic on plastic was in the air. Stool was pitching again and actually throwing strikes, which amazed everyone. This was what 2BaaB needed, the break that could put them in the same breath as the two Gua*ndos.
"I can pitch great for 4 innings but then I hit a wall and can barely feel my arm," Brunjes said a week after the spring training game, "and if Stool gives us 2-3 quality innings, we're unhittable and if he hits for power like he did today, dare I say we're unbeatable."
It was optimism, probably the first time 2BaaB ever had any - but it wouldn't last for long.
After the 2007 season that Mike had (in his only 3 games, he posted an OPS of 1.996 and had the ability to keep the Kinnears at bay for the first 3-4 innings), one could only believe that if Mike and Stool came together as a team, they would be unbeatable.
"I only wish we could've seen the fruition of our hard work, we could've had it all: the glory, the limelight, the championships...but Mike just didn't want it, I guess," Stool said.
2BaaB lost their only game of the '08 season after Brunjes gave up 11 runs in 5 innings. It left Stool in a state of shock and the team was at odds with one another. One person, Stool, took the game almost too seriously and thought Brunjes purposely sabotaged 2BaaB. This game slipped over into their personal life. During a fantasy baseball fight, Stool sent this disturbing email to Mike about his GM'ing of a fantasy baseball team: "If you drop your whole team after i lift this add/drop I get to beat you with a metal baseball bat until i see fit. It would also be the end of 2BaaB." While Stool's revisionist history might leave him with no fault to the end of 2BaaB, it was Stool who was the first one to threaten a dismantlement of the team.
After Mike took a jab at his talent level, Stool responded, "we'll see this weekend. Dan, you need a left fielder?" So while Stool likes to tell everyone Brunjes quit on 2BaaB, it was really Stool who quit on his teammate.
On June 25th, 2008, out in the open for all members of WiffleWOOD to hear, Stool and Brunjes were seen and heard bickering. Mike was threatening retirement and Stool was threatening to play with people like Shitz. Then it happened and Brunjes said the words that still rip through Stool's HRT to this day. "Apologize for fucking what? I'm done with 2BaaB...you've already replaced me." And then it was done. No 2BaaB, or at least the 2BaaB that we all know and love.
Afterwards, I caught up with Stool as he was leaving work that day and he had only these words for me: "2BaaB will win just as much without fag boy. He's got no fucking heart and I can't play with a guy who doesn't care." When I asked him whether he and Mike could ever find common ground and play together again, he stopped in his tracks only to utter, "Can a man find his heart in Queens under a cloud of smoke?"
Brunjes' response to Stool's harsh words? "If there's one thing I've learned from the 2BaaB fiasco, it's that Stool moves on....QUICKLY."
Still, every time I spoke with Stool for this three-part series, I couldn't help but notice that he wanted to tell me something, like he was holding something back. I always thought there was hope that the two could once again come back together and find the magic that occurred on that fateful night in LAMA.
In August, Stool got married and seemed to be maturing. He not only invited Brunjes to the wedding but also asked him to be in the wedding party. Maybe just maybe through their friendship they might find a way to be teammates again.
Then this writer received the news from both Brunjes and
Stool in a conference call.
"We're back," they both joyously said into the phone. Brunjes said, "What little heart I have left always remained with 2BaaB." Stool only had this to say about the rejoining of possibly the best WiffleWOOD duo ever: "It's good to have Mike back on 2BaaB".
Maybe just maybe 2BaaB will be able to bring dignity back to
a disgraced league.
Just maybe.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
By Phalange Onus, Special Correspondent for WiffleWOOD.com
PART TWO: THE DESTRUCTION
"During the offseasons, I just missed the game so much I couldn't stand being sober one second of one day" said Stool. "It was like I lost the love of my life and I couldn't find her."
"He wasn't himself out there on the field," Stool's teammate of 8 years, Brunjes, said of his performance following the 2001 season. "It was like he was in a haze, a haze of self destruction, and it hurt the team."
People expected big things out of 2BaaB after they slayed Goliath, but Stool's inability to stay sober on and off the field hurt them severely. His numbers dropped dramatically, while Brunjes was left to carry the team. Carrying a 300-plus-pound teammate such as Stool was just too heavy of a load for Brunjes. Stool was no longer able to pitch, and with his reduced bat speed he became Luis Castillo at the plate.
But Stool was not the only one with problems. His teammate had stopped playing with the same fire and desire he used to have. "He just didn't care about the game the way he used to," reported Chris Nusio, Brunjes' roommate of 8 years and rumored confidant. Maybe it was lack of heart or team chemistry, but some people believe there was something deeper in the soul of Brunjes that caused his demise.
A team official willing to speak anonymously said this about the riptide tearing through 2BaaB: "The losing hurt them, but what hurt them the most was the drugs. The drugs took their hearts and turned them to black. They weren't playing for the love of the game anymore; they were dreaming of getting as smashed as possible after the game." The free burgers, soda and friendship that brought these men together was no longer keeping them together.
The 2005 season was brought to a quick end when Stool disappeared, only to be found days later in Vegas penniless and dreamless. Stool found help in a treatment facility in Flagstaff, Arizona, where he learned how to live life without a mind-altering substance in his body 24 hours a day. So with the 2005 season a wash and most of the organizations living out of the area in far away places such as Brooklyn and Queens, it looked as if WiffleWOOD would fold like the XFL, MISL, USFL, etc.
"It was hard living without the alcohol, but it was harder living without the game," Stool said. In 2006, a sober Stool looked around at his former stomping ground, Lembeck/Aames Memorial Arena, kicking dirt and watching the tumble weeds pass by. No games were there to be found, no teammates were there to catch his throws. After Stool's disappearance, players went their own ways finding new homes in Brooklyn and Queens that caused the league to come close to filing for bankruptcy. However, in one of the most controversial moves in all of sports, Gua*ndo the Great stepped down as commissioner of WiffleWOOD and appointed Gua*ndo the Terrible to replace him.
Gua*ndo the Terrible's first action as commissioner was to
move WiffleWOOD's home field of 6 years, the great Lembeck/Aames Memorial Arena (or L.A.M.A as it's known to its lovers), to Brooklyn's newly constructed Old Mr.
Wizard Park. It's a move that Gua*ndo the Terrible still receives bad press for,
almost to the level that Robert Irsay receives for moving the Baltimore Colts
overnight to Indianapolis,
but he stands by his decision. "I did what was best for the sport, what was best
for me," Gua*ndo the Terrible said at the press conference for Old Mr. Wizard
Park.
While Gua*ndo the Terrible's tenure has been checkered, he named a non-cofounder, K*iel Walker, co-commissioner. He has brought the game into the 21st century. The league created a website, games were covered by some of the greatest reporters in the business, and things were looking like the league was going to take off again.
During the 2007 season, no player showed more heart and determination than Stool. He dropped 75 pounds during his offseason training program and finally learned how to live without alcohol in his life. He would drive almost 2 hours one way just to play the game he loves. However, much to his dismay, playoffs were never played and a league champ was never crowned. To this day, Gua*ndo the Terrible's only answer to this question is, "no comment".
In spring training 2008, 2BaaB came to Brooklyn with one mission - "to win it all," Brunjes was quoted as saying just before hitting the field for the first time in 2008. After Stool and Brunjes put on a clinic at Old Mr. Wizard Park, this reporter became a believer, but it was the last time things would ever be the same...
...to be concluded...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By Phalange Onus, Special Correspondent for WiffleWOOD.com
PART ONE: THE BEGINNING
"That summer seemed to last forever, and if I had a choice... thosewere the best days of my life."
Stool spoke these words through tears as he reminisced about the summer of 2001, when playing was fun and life's problems seemed so far away. But those problems - alcoholism, trust, betrayal and disrespect for the game - were far too close. Stool isn't a player who beats you with the power of a DAN gua*ndo, and he doesn't have the fastball of a dan GUA*NDO, but there's one thing he does well, and that's always using every once of God-given talent he had on the field.
To tell the story of 2BaaB, you first must know the whole story and how it all began...
The league, WiffleWOOD, started with great aspirations, rivaling those of the North American Soccer League, and the co-founders believed America was ready for a major wiffleball league. However, their dreams far outweighed actuality and after the inaugural draft, teams folded like wildfire. The only ones left standing were 2 Balls and a Bat and the GUA*ndo's.
"We started this thing to have fun, enjoy life ya know - but things just spun out of control" - Stool
The first commissioner, Gua*ndo the Great, loved the game the
most. "There's nothing better than some sun rays, a plastic ball,
plastic bat and a desire to defeat your opponent," Mr. Gua*ndo used to say. It was during his
tenure that WiffleWOOD thrived. Everyone was happy, everyone had fun
and the league looked like it was going strong.
2BaaB was formed by two Coramites, two founding fathers of WiffleWOOD and what they thought, two teammates for life. The team has always been one that battles and grinds its way to scoring runs. They preached defense and quality at-bats over swinging for the fences and showing up the other team. They always held there head high after defeat knowing they left it all on the field. They always gave a fight, but they were never able to beat the Goliath that stood in their way, dan GUA*NDO and DAN gua*ndo, until one fateful night that can only be described by those there as Epic.
It was this night that 2BaaB came together. There was no bickering, no 80 balls thrown into the shed with an occasional strike, just simple and utter beauty. The score was knotted up at nothing nothing going into the bottom of the 9th. It was a true display of what wiffleball should be all about: Great pitching, Great Defense. It was one for the ages, one you tell your grandchild about while he's bouncing on your knee.
The game lasted
well into dusk and even started to touch the darkness of night. Playing under
the light of two 100-watt bulbs, the players forged their way through the game
with the heart and desire to win, and the team with the most heart became
victorious. Brunjes stepped to the plate with runners on first and second and
one out. He peered into the pitchers' eyes, saw the fastball coming down the
middle of the plate, and doubled into the darkness of centerfield.
Dan walked off the mound into his house and locked the doors. Brunjes and Stool shook hands and parted ways.
It was the last time 2BaaB could truly celebrate.
...to be continued...
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Stone Cold Stupid: Trials and Tribulations in Court-land
By Honjon Mack, WiffleWOOD.com Analyst
Mr. Gua*ndo would be ashamed.
Is this really what WiffleWOOD has become? It has been almost nine months since the last official wiffleball game, and yet there is no shortage of news from this organization of oafs. Clubhouse scandals abound, opt-out clauses have been opted out upon, and criminal activity amongst the players is at an all-time high. The respectable league that Gua*ndo the Great built is being torn to the ground by the selfish and potentially deadly behavior of these wifflin' hooligans, or "wiffligans."
The saddest chapter in this horrifying offseason was written on April 29th at 1:39am. Multiple high-profile wiffligans traveled to Cortland, NY for a pleasant night of friendship and frankfurters. But after a night on the town, one of these wiffligans - league dope K-Smack - decided that the free accommodations he was offered weren't as welcoming as the cold cement bed provided in the local clink.
And so began one of the saddest and most violent events in WiffleWOOD history.
"That stone was just calling my name," mumbled Smack, "and so was Brunjes' skull."
"I don't know what he's talking about," quipped an uninjured but emotionally scarred Brunjes. "My head didn't say anything to him. One minute I'm walking down the street, minding my own business, my mind irrevocably altered by alcohol...and the next minute, I'm ducking for my life as a boulder is shotputted past my face."
Were it not for Mike's notoriously capable head skills, we might be sitting here today dedicating the right field foul line to the memory of Michael Brunjes (Mike Brunjes Memorial Right Field Foul Line). Luckily, it's still just the Regular Right Field Foul Line. But next time, we might not be so lucky.
When asked if he had any remorse, Smack simply responded, "Drugs?"
Disgraceful. And confusing.
Crooks like Smack have no place in this league. I for one would like nothing more than for Mr. Gua*ndo to be reinstated as Commish of WiffleWOOD. I have no doubt his first act would be to toss a criminal like Smack to the curb.
You are role models, gentlemen. Act like it.
Monday, April 28, 2008
WIFFOCRISY: The Downward Spiral of WiffleWOOD
A Scathing Special Report
By Aorta Everpump
"We're just gonna get out there and have some fun."
Those were the words of acting WiffleWOOD commissioner Dan Gua*ndo as spring training commenced on a rare sunny day in Brooklyn, New York. Within minutes, Gua*ndo was stewing at an unruly fan and spewing venom at his teammate and co-commissioner, K-Smack. Then again, this hypocritical behavior at the top of the league's food chain should come as no surprise to the most ardent WiffleWOOD followers. Unfortunately, this once up and coming wiffleball league has been infiltrated with egos and agendas spawned by its shoddy management.
In the summer of 2001, a dream was hatched in a beautiful backyard in Ridge, NY. Dan Gua*ndo, Mike Brunjes, and Brian "Stool" Stahl began pioneering an extreme form of wiffleball that would serve as the template for what was destined to become an organized league. They would later name it WiffleWOOD, a combination of the sport and their alma-mater, Longwood High School. Dan Gua*ndo Sr, or "Gua*ndo the Great" as he is known nowadays, was named the first commissioner in league history. His sterling resume included some of the finest groundskeeping work ever witnessed at any level of organized ball, as well as a penchant for BBQing that left none of his players with an empty stomach. Pat Gua*ndo, the first lady of WiffleWOOD, hydrated the competitors with a vast array of iced teas, colas, and H2O. The emerging league seemed to be destined for big things.
The summers of 2005 and 2006 proved to be difficult for WiffleWOOD. Amid a myriad of speculation, Dan Gua*ndo Sr. stepped down as commissioner of the league. "My players were off getting their lives in order, and to be honest, my fertile land wasn't going to wait for them," said the now ex-commish. In late 2006, WiffleWOOD's top on field performer, Dan Gua*ndo, was named acting commissioner.
"The league was struggling, no doubt about it," said WiffleWOOD superstar, Mike Brunjes, entering his 8th season."But the deathblow came when, of all people, a player was named commissioner...that's when the agendas began to fly." "Gua*ndo the Terrible" quickly instituted a sweeping overhaul of the league, including a curious move to a new ballpark in Brooklyn. "As a Coramite, I have an embedded hatred for Ridge in my blood, but at least that town had a rural appeal. Now, in order to play a game, I have to travel to one of the more trashy boroughs in NYC. I mean, I have a family to think about," said Brunjes upon the move. "The BQE (expletive deleted) (stinks)," added fellow superstar, veteran, and teammate, Brian "Stool" Stahl.
The second unthinkable move by the new commishioner came when he announced his new teammate would be K*iel "Smack" Walker (replacing the enigmatic DAN gua*ndo, who could not be reached for comment), and inexplicably named him a co-commissioner. "Stool and I felt snubbed," said Brunjes. "We helped build the league from nothing...and for Gua*ndo to bring in an untested, inexperienced individual as his co-commish was a slap in the face to us both." While Brunjes went on to have a strong 2007 season, his demeanor had clearly changed on the field and off. Most notably, he often did not show up for scheduled autograph sessions, fundraisers, and even games. Strange behavior from a player who was often the first to arrive and last to leave during the 2001-2004 seasons. "I worked hard back then, because I truly believed in the league and its leadership...as I said before, when Jr. took over, things changed...the league began getting tainted under his watch, and I'm not just talking about the move or the co-commissioner's appointment." Brunjes would not elaborate further, which caused this reporter to do some digging.
In early 2007, with the co-commissioners' blessing, Wifflewood.com was launched to mediocre fanfare. Suspiciously, its beat writers - Chap Sportzwurth, Honjon Mack, and Beautiful Waxface - were found to have extensive business ties to Mr. Gua*ndo and Mr. Walker, including a failed opium venture in southern China. Incidentally, most of Wifflewood.com's articles featured scathing reviews of Brunjes' transgressions on and off the field. "It's just made me more disenchanted than ever," said Brunjes, "and I knew all of these accusations were coming from the so-called management of the league, which only made it worse. They clearly lack respect, and in return, I sure as hell won't give them any."
This reporter's findings have also uncovered an unmatched abuse of power when it comes to league rosters. In late 2007, Gua*ndo contacted Richard Mones with hopes that he would replace Mr. Walker in the Fort Greene Kinnear's lineup. "I was contacted to be Smack's replacement, and to be a full-time starter for the Kinnears," said Mones. "I only declined the offer because I was skeptical of how that league was being run...How could the so-called commissioner of WiffleWOOD potentially throw his teammate and co-commissioner under the bus like that?" Unfortunately, this type of gusto and bravado is nothing new for the often ill-tempered Gua*ndo. In fact, his obssession with being the best leads us to the most damning accusation of all.
In mid-2007, Gua*ndo suffered an arm injury on the mound. Many observers feared the worst, and noted orthopedist Dr. James Andrews even recommended he sit out the rest of the season and possibly consider Tommy John surgery. Just weeks later, Gua*ndo was back on the mound and was his typical fire-balling self. Coincidence? Sheer will power? Heart? Not according to recently unsealed court documents, which highlight "distinct ties" to Gua*ndo and noted steriod peddlers Brian McNamee and Kirk Radomski. There is also "tangible evidence" of a package being sent from McNamee's home to an undisclosed PO Box in Brooklyn in the middle of last season.
Despite all of these allegations, the 2008 WiffleWOOD season will go on as scheduled. "I let a lot of management's purposeful distractions get to me last season. That won't be the case this season. Stool and I realize that beating the Kinnears is the only thing worthwhile in this floundering league," said a determined Brunjes. During last weekend's spring training exhibition, Brunjes and Stool put on a vicious display of power, leaving this reporter to believe they mean business.
One can only hope that Gua*ndo and Walker mean business as well - ethically this time.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
Beep.
Scalpel!
Beep.
Damn it! Get me 50 cc's of heart helper, stat!
Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Flatline. We've lost him.
Mrs. Walker, we did everything we could. Unfortunately, in the end, your son just had too much heart.
**********************************************************************************************************************************
This is the hypothetical conversation I just had with my hypothetical (male) nurse and then with Smack's real mother hypothetically. Yet despite all of the hypotheses, this dire situation is all too real for the star of the Fort Greene Kinnears.
Smack has built his career on strong on-base skills, tenacious defense, and a Grade A ticker. He leaves it all out on the field, gets his uniform dirty, and consistently has to expand his belt to accommodate his belly full of guts.
Yet after yesterday's "performance" in Spring Training, one has to wonder if Smack has too much heart for his own good. Swinging for the fences at every pitch and refusing to throw strikes while "getting his work in" on the mound, Smack forced his fans to watch one of the most intensely poor performances of his career.
"What can I say?" asked Smack after the game. "I'm always going to give 115,000% - even if it means giving up 20 hits and screwing myself into the ground after every swing. That's what the fans want, and I'm here to please them, not you."
That may be true, Mr. Smack, but you also have to please your co-manager, who I hear has privately been shopping you around the league for "a reliever and various snack dips."
All of this makes this writer wonder:
Could Brunjes' heart be a better fit for Smack's chest?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Brahgnostication #1
By Beautiful Waxface, WiffleWOOD Cultural Critic
Very great famine through pestiferous wave,
Through long rain the
length of the arctic pole: 'Samarobryn' one hundred leagues from the
hemisphere,
The will live without law exempt from politics.
Patrick will not pitch very competently if given the opportunitus.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
New Logo is Out of This World!? I Hope It Doesn't Shoot Me?!
By Beautiful Waxface, WiffleWOOD Cultural Critic
The now infamous Hollywood-inspired logo that adorns the top of this website has been WiffleWOOD's official logo since 2001. A classic, no question, but many fans have questioned its relevance. "Why would an East Coast league use such a West Coast symbol?" many homeless fans asked.
Enter Neel Williams. Known as the Harriet Tubman of the league, Mr. Williams (the league's first married player, a record that is sure to stand longer than any other) has stepped up to the plate to create a new look for a new generation.
"WiffleWOOD is known for its class, poor attendance, and power," opined JNWFNFNW. "What we weren't known for, however, was a digital image that very few people will wear on a shirt. That's where I stepped in..."
And so, it is with great pride that I present to you the new Death Star- inspired official logo of WiffleWOOD West:
WiffleWOOD Shows Class
By Honjon Mack, WiffleWOOD.com Analyst
*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***
WIFFLEWOOD TO NAME LEFT FIELD FOUL POLE AFTER ROBERT GOULET
In
honor of the passing of legendary entertainer Robert Goulet, who died
at 10:17am this morning, WiffleWOOD has announced that the left field
foul poles at both Old Mr Wizard Park and Lembeck Aames Memorial Arena
will be re-named in his memory. Both shall now be known as "Robert
Gouleft Field Foul Pole."
"This is a sad day for WiffleWOOD," league star Patrick Arnold
said. "He was my favorite character in Beetlejuice, my favorite printed
face on one of Gua*ndo's shirts, and certainly the inspiration for my
powerful eyes at the plate. Man, that guy had powerful eyes."
A pole naming ceremony will be held at OMrWP in the near future.
Those eyes...
Friday, October 19, 2007
Will he or won't he? It's a...
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
The hot story today in the WiffleWORLD was the bomb dropped on the Fort Greene Kinnears by their own K-Smack. Smack, coming off his rookie season, is weighing whether or not he should opt out of his current contract with the Kinnears to explore the free agent Wiff market. The highly publicized section of his contract, known as the "Halo 3 / Mike in Brazil" clause, allows K-Smack to void his contract after one season, or if he just doesn't feel like playing on a particular day.
It's no secret that the ego-driven Kinnear clubhouse is held together by dead pre$ident$ and an apartment lease. But money is only skin deep. In this writer's opinion, there has simply been way too much public turmoil between Smokey and Smack this year for the Kinnears to continue being a successful franchise, despite an astonishing number of sleepovers they've had together throughout the past three years.
K-Smack's agent, Julio Everhard, says that Smack deserves a multiyear contract, and that many organizations have already made inquiries. "There are plenty of teams that can use a singles hitter who plays adequate left field," Everhard told me over the phone from his home in Poughkeepsie. "Smack has proven what he can do. Now it's up to the Kinnears to see if they want to have a dynasty, or a disastrasty. Man, that's a hard word to say."
Some have speculated that Everhard is just playing hardwiffleball and holding out for a impossibly pricey extension involving television rights and snack privileges from the deep-pocketed Kinnears. And why not? In his first full year, Smack has shown an impressive ability to get on base and set the table for the rest of the lineup, proving himself to be one of the tougher outs in the league. He's not afraid to draw a walk or lean his torso out across the entire plate if it means getting on base in a clutch situation. During games, where Smack goes, the Kinnears go.
"I just want to make sure I get the proper respect [from the Kinnears]," Smack told reporters yesterday. "My main focus is on winning, wherever I end up. We'll see what happens."
Will we see what happens?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard around the league:
Look for some big shakeups at the Winter GM meetings this year, despite a thin free agent class.
Goose is in the market for relief pitching and that elusive "big bat."
Team Wingdings is looking for anybody, ever, to show up for a game.
And 2 Balls and a Bat will likely decline Brunjes' option, citing a lack of heart, clutchiness, and clutchitude.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Kinnears Sign Highly-Touted Prospect
By Honjon Mack, WiffleWOOD.com Analyst
The Fort Greene Kinnears confirmed the signing of superstar prospect Mr. Erious Ballpitcher today at a press conference at O.Mr.W.P. Ballpitcher, regarded by some to be the best arm to join WiffleWOOD since Genghis, will report immediately to the Kinnears' facilities on Cumberland Street to work out with pitching coach Chops.
"We couldn't be more excited to add Ballpitcher to our roster," raved Co-manager/GM/owner/player K-Smack. "Ballpitcher has strikes in his arm and his heart - I mean that in a good way."
The signing was not met with such high praise by the other teams in the league. Many are accusing the Kinnears of buying a championship; the small-market Team Wingdings are demanding a revenue-sharing system and a salary cap to level the playing field for teams that can't afford such expensive signings. "If the Wingdings would show a commitment to their fans and their team by putting money into the product on the field instead of into their pockets, maybe this wouldn't be such an issue," said Wingdings DH Patrick.
Nasty Wiffle Pitcher - Watch more free videos
"We play to win,' said Smokey at the press conference. "Ballpitcher is the final piece of the puzzle for the Kinnears' to achieve the ultimate goal: the WiffleWOOD West World Series."
Friday, August 3, 2007
All Star Voting Begins!
It's that time of year again for the first time! With the 2007 WiffleWOOD West All Star Game fast approaching (the League Office has yet to officially announce the date, but sources close to the Co-Commissioners indicate it will take place in late August), we need your help to fill the rosters.
Please vote for your favorite All Star below. Ballots will close Friday, August 10th.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
More WiffTube!
By Beautiful Waxface, WiffleWOOD Cultural Critic
Please enjoy some videos from the Wonderful World of WiffleWOOD!
Smack has the arm/heart of Eric Byrnes:
Neel makes a Hand Gem:
Gua*ndo can make saves, and he also can't:
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Beware. It's Coming...
This Friday, July 20th through Sunday, July 22nd - it happens.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Salamis Are Good for Sandwiches and Long Hits
By Honjon Mack, WiffleWOOD.com Analyst
Gadzooks, what a Saturday! Or should we call it a "Hiturday?!" Because despite having some of the game's top arms on the mound, June 23rd featured an offensive explosion unseen since Nagasaki. Case in point:
Game 1Chu Can't Handle The Truth / NERD ALERT! - 13
Glad We're Not Brothers - 12
Game 2
Fort Greene Kinnears - 12
Two Balls And A Bat - 7
44 runs in one afternoon!
I'll allow the pics below to give the color commentary. Game 1 featured the much unanticipated matchup of Liz and Smack vs Casey and Smokey. Despite two HR's from Smokey and a very solid 5 innings from Casey, Liz and Smack showed the intestinal fortitude it takes to make it in a fake plastic sports league, battling back to send the game to extra innings, where they ultimately handed the wild Smokey his first loss of the season.
Game 2 brought out the fans - the rematch of the Kinnears vs 2BaaB. Bloodthirsty Smokey and Smack knocked Brunjes around for 12 runs, including Smokey's second Grand Salami of the day. A fatigued (injured?!) Smokey almost blew it in the 6th, but Smack's inspirational face helped the Kinnear's hang on for a revenge victory over their archrivals Brunjes and Martin Stooler King.
What a Hiturday!
All photos can be found here: http://wifflewood.com/photos.html
Fear.
Liz poses for WWW's fans, who somehow made it into the home/away dugout.
Danny being Danny (rumor has it he was pre-filing an official protest of the game with the League Office - which i guess is technically just him calling himself).
After scoring a date with Laura Winslow, Urkel celebrated by calling balls and strikes at O.Mr.W.P.
Teamwork.
Wicked-pedia!
By Dr. Levi McIntyre, WiffleWOOD Historian
It dis official. WiffleWOOD has is been making news for years, but the sites with the most bible of accurate truths has perclaimed that WiffleWOOD.com is one of only four webs sites to look at on the interwebs about wifflesball. Congratulates!
I circled this myself with green internets marker!
Monday, June 25, 2007
WiffTube
By Beautiful Waxface, WiffleWOOD Cultural Critic
Some exciting new videos from WiffleWOOD West!
Two Kinnears and Some Singles:
Homerun Thievery:
The Very Moment Smokey Needed Thomas Jonathan Surgery:
Some Hand Gems:
Martin Stooler King Had A Dream
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
It's been about 15 years since Martin Luther King gave his famous speech from the steps of the White House, and yet his words still resonate today, in places even the great Doctor never imagined.
Mike "The Cowardly Lyin'" Brunjes made the least surprising announcement of the season on Saturday morning when he told Co-Commissioner Smokey that he wouldn't be attending any of the games that day. "Breaking news," he texted sarcastically. "Brunjes to no show Saturday citing Chap's renegade journalism tactics."
The Cowardly Lyin' in an undated photo
Folks, how low can one man sink? Apparently low enough to take a crotch-shot at this humble reporter. I want nothing more than for Brunjes to show up every Saturday and play like a soaring eagle, and yet week after week, excuse after excuse, he proves to me and you that he is nothing but a frightened ostrich.
So imagine this reporter's shock when The Cowardly Lyin' strolled on to O.Mr.W.P. at 3pm Saturday just in time for his Kinnears/2BaaB rematch. How could this happen? There was no weed at the field, no online poker tournament in the clubhouse, no Coward Conference at Atlantic Center. What could have stirred Brunjes from his den of sin in Queens to drive down to Brooklyn for a game of plastic godball?
A text from emerging team captain, Brian "Martin Stooler King" Stahl, that's what.
Stool had a dream...apparently to lose to the Kinnears.
"Bring my sunglasses," Stooler began, "and bring your heart. Be ready, today is a day of glory." (grammar and punctuation added for clarity)
With those two sentences, Brian Stahl did for wifflers what Dr. King did for African-Americans. Inspire. Unlike the Civil Rights Movement, however, Two Balls And A Bat lost spectacularly that day.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Spread Your Wingdings And Fly Away
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
In what would be the most shocking event in WiffleWOOD history since this reporter broke the news that Ex-Commissioner Gua*ndo cut down the Homerun Branch at L.A.M.A., rumors are circulating that the Commissioner's Office is considering dropping Team Wingdings from the league. While League Spokesman K-Smack had no official comment, sources close to the Co-Commissioners confirmed that an announcement in the next 48 hours would "significantly alter the landscape of WiffleWOOD West as we've known it."
This should come as no surprise to even the most casual WWW fan. Team Wingdings has forfeited every game, has never participated in a League-sponsored event, and both of its members publicly mock the league and its founders. If this reporter ran the league, Patrick and Brunjes would have been spanked weeks ago.
In a WiffleWOOD.com exclusive photograph (below) from a local fan, we can see the fissures in Team Wingdings were there right from the start. During Week 0 batting practice, Patrick turned for advice on his swing to teammate Brunjes. Unfortunately, the cowardly Brunjes was nowhere to be found - he had hopped on his scooter and was rumored to be heading to local eatery L.B.D. for "snack chips."
All of this makes this reporter wonder:
Can one player ruin as many teams as Brunjes? And will Patrick every get to slap a pitch?
Patrick can't believe we used to use a black square for homeplate.
Thursday, June 43, 2007
Paws and Pay Your Respects
By Honjon Mack, WiffleWOOD.com Analyst
Six years. Zero AB. The legacy of a champion.
This may look like Shitz's resume, but it's actually that of WiffleWOOD West's most beloved player and WiffleWOOD East's most devoted fan.
Some know her as Lily. Everyone else knows her as Belle. Whatever you call her, doggone it, this land beast has what it takes.
Co-Commissioner K-Smack announced in an email today that Lily/Belle will be receiving WWW's top honor: her jersey and number will be retired Saturday, June 23rd during a pre-game ceremony at O.Mr.W.P. Lily/Belle will be the first player in league history to receive this honor, a recognition that surely bolsters her case for the WiffleWOOD Hall of Fame.
Henceforth, June 23rd will forever be known as L.B.D. (Lily Belle Day). WiffleWOOD West gladly welcomes the support of L.B.D. (La Bagel Delight) to honor the league's all-time greatest canine on her special day.
Belle may not have any HR. She may not be able to speak. But this dog has the tangibles, the intangibles, and the drive of a world-class WiffleWOODer.
Lily Belle, we salute you.
Lily/Belle sits in between home and the mound. Have you ever seen a prouder dog? Liar.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Two Balls And A Controversy
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
I've been a syndicated columnist for international newspapers and intergalactic websites. My career has spanned four decades and infinity hearts. Yet in all that time I have NEVER seen the kind of clubhouse cholera that has infected Two Balls And A Bat.
I don't make my money on rumors, so allow me to show you some cold hard e-facts. I recently hosted a live chat with some players and fans right here on www.wifflewood.com, which had a record turnout for a live chat on a Tuesday. We had the (mis)fortune of hosting both Stool and Brunjes during the chat and, well, I'll allow them to speak in their own e-words:
Folks, those aren't typos (well, yes they are, but they aren't my typos). What you just read was Stool and Brunjes airing their dirty laundry on a site built for their fans. This writer is disgusted, and demands a public apology.
I'd like to point out that while Two Balls And A Bat were quarreling, I managed to carry on a very pleasant conversation with a young lady named "smack_rulz_4eva," who seemed to be oblivious, thankfully, to the shameful sparring going on around us.
I'm hearing whispers that the League Office is having a closed-door meeting this Friday to determine if any disciplinary action will be taken. Regardless of their decision, all of this electronic intrateam pugilism makes this writer wonder:
Will Stool and Brunjes take off the boxing gloves long enough to put on some batting gloves?
It's Mr. Wizard's World, We Just Live In It
By Honjon Mack, WiffleWOOD.com Analyst
We at WiffleWOOD West and its Eastern Affiliate were deeply saddened to hear of the loss of one of the 20th Century's greatest figures: Mr. Wizard. At once a source of inspiration, education, and entertainment, Mr. Wizard represented everything we stand for at WWW. I'm sure, if given the opportunity, he easily could have taught us the elusive screwball and a great homemade recipe for foul line chalk.
In honor of Mr. Wizard, Co-Commissioners Smokey and Smack have decided to rename WWW's home stadium. No longer Old Wizard Park (O.W.P.), the turf at Cumberland Street and Atlantic Commons shall now forever be known as Old Mr. Wizard Park (O.Mr.W.P.).
Thank you, Mr. Wiz. You follow in the footsteps of Willie Aames as a spiritual and physical reminder of how we should live our lives and how to play plastic godball the right way. YOUR way.
It's almost like he's rubbing Asia off the map...
the way it should be.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Earning Your Wiffstripes: Part 1 of 1
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
Folks, I'm not a preacher or a moral authority. I'm a baseball journalist, an amateur hypnotist, and a friend. So when it comes to judging whether or not someone is a "clubhouse cancer," I leave it to the fans and the numbers to decide.
And in this case, the numbers don't lie. In a survey recently conducted on this site, Mike "Brunjes" Brunjes was voted WiffleWOOD West's Least Popular Player with a whopping 43% of the vote. Think about that: of the league's millions of fans, 43% of them think that Brunjes is all wallet and no heart.
This perception of Brunjes is nothing new. Tales of his lack of heart have dogged him his whole career. Rumors swirled around Ridge that he was the last one in the 2BaaB clubhouse and the first to leave. He often pulled himself from games in the 5th or 6th inning as soon as Gua*ndo started to make a dent on the scoreboard, leaving Armando Stoolitez to clean up his mess.
All of this could have been blamed on media obsession and jealous teammates had it not been for that fateful evening in the fall of 2004, when Brunjes made a decision at L.A.M.A. that turned the fans against him forever.
He tried to run the bases.
So how can Brunjes earn his wiffstripes? Some say he'll never earn them. Others say he'll have to beat his nemesis Smokey in the Wiff Series, pitching a complete game in the process. Others say he already has, since it seems counterintuitive to anger one of only six players in the league.
But having heard the negative attitude Brunjes carries on and off the field, this writer has to wonder:
Will Brunjes ever be a True Two Ball And A Batter?
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Four Kings Always Beats Three Queens
By Honjon Mack, WiffleWOOD.com Analyst
"Can I hit?"
So asked a local Brooklyn youth when some of his favorite local stars hit the turf yesterday for the first clash between Brooklyn and Queens this season.
By the end of the day, most of the Queens players were asking themselves the same question.
In a huge moral and literal victory over Queens, Brooklyn's Smokey, Smack, Casey, and Neel made a major statement - "stay off our turf, lest ye be smoked." Smokey threw what this writer believes to be the bravest and guttiest game of his career - despite major elbow pain in the 5th, Smokey soldiered on for a complete game effort in Brooklyn's 4-1 victory.
His bravery would have been for naught had it not been for the rally started by K-Smack in the top of the 6th, an inning that proved to be the pivotal turning point that toppled the might Brunjes and Co. The feisty Brooklyn bats were helped by a fading Brunjes (who threw a gutty performance of his own) and some extremely shaky defense behind him (multiple putouts missed, and a crucial doubleplay blown).
The first successful putout under WWW's new defensive rules.
But it seems that Brunjes' Ren was missing his Stimpy, as Stool's singles-power seemed to be the piece missing from Queens' puzzle. In the end, as this writer predicted in his mind earlier in the day, Queens learned that Four Kings will always prevail over Three Queens, even if those Four Kings usually hate each other.
Is WiffleWOOD West Getting A Little Too "Tai-Chi Feely"?
By Beautiful Waxface, WiffleWOOD Cultural Critic
WiffleWOOD West's inaugural season is but five weeks old, and yet we've seen a changing of the cultural tides the likes of which have never been seen.
Six weeks ago, when Smokey was sitting in his room pouring over game strategies and Patrick was sitting at home pouring over black, could you have pictured public masturbation and in-game homo-erotic grappling happening at O.W.P.? This writer would have called you as crazy as a barn owl, but as yesterday proved, even the craziest barn owl sometimes hoos the truth.
I'll let the following speak for itself:
For unknown reasons, Stool thinks the home dugout is the best place to please himself.
There are no words.
Stats page and Photos page both completely updated!
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Stats Page Updated!
And coming soon, League History (written by our very own Chap Sportzwurth!), Team Profiles, and Photo Galleries!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Most Valuable Surgery!: Thomas Jonathan
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
League pitching star Smokey is reportedly making a visit to the infamous Dr. Andrews for an opinion on the strained elbow and shoulder that kept him off the mound in Week 3. If Tommy John surgery is required, it will keep Smokey on the sidelines for the rest of the 2007 season and much of 2008, an absolutely devastating blow to the powerhouse Kinnears.
"All I can do is stay positive and work with Dr. Andrews to make the best decision for me and the team," Smokey said. "Obviously we all hope this is nothing but a strain and I can come back out next week to take down Two Balls And A Bat and The Meat Locker - even though I technically also pitch for The Meat Locker."
Visibly shaken by the news, teammate K-Smack quipped, "I hope Pavano...I mean Gua*ndo can man up and pitch through his 'injury.'"
In other WWW injury news, Week 3 winning pitcher Brunjes has been complaining about "general soreness in [his] left groin, left quad, left hamstring, and right shoulder blade."
For someone that was doing quite a bit of trash-talking before his debut, this writer has to wonder:
Is Brunjes 'injury' just an 'easy out' to keep 'his' ERA down?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
More Controversy!
In a day that has been mired in controversy (the official game is still under protest), one moment that seemed minor at the time but in retrospect may have changed the entire fabric of the game (had the Kinnears actually held on to win) was this controversial throw from LF by Gua*ndo for an out:
Satuday, May 26, 2007
Most Controversial Play in League History
Before we get to any sort of Week 3 wrap-up (and boy oh boy do we have things to wrap up!!!), we'd like to share the most controversial play in league history. We will leave the commentary for a later date. For now, take a "peek" and see if Smack was "interfering."
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Bob Seger Ain't Got Nuttin On Us
This morning at approximately 2am, members of the Fort Greene Kinnears
and Goose put aside their differences and put on some night moves.
While the official bullpen sessions at O.W.P. were delayed due to the
unavailability of any league player, this unofficial "funssion" had no
such problem.
The fence was no match for us, especially after we learned it was unlocked:
K-Smack tries a new night knuckler:
Casey pulls off an amazing feat: he manages to be hammered, asleep, and wiffling simultaneously:
When God invented wiffleball, it's because of the beautiful essence captured in moments like this:
The
night ended with the Co-Commish placing a few official calls from the
League Office. Please note the picture of Chap Sportzwurth on the
computer monitor:
"Breaking" (or "Straining") News
As first reported by Chap Sportzwurth this morning, Fort Greene
Kinnears star Dan Gua*ndo is rumored to be heading to the 15-day DL with
what is being called a "strained elbow." X-rays were negative, and TJ
surgery has been ruled out. Pitching Coach Chops said Gua*ndo was "day
to day" and would have a "bullpen session Saturday morning to see if
he'll be available out of the pen for the second game of the
doubleheader."
The news comes at an inopportune time for the
Kinnears who, despite their 2-0 record, have been making headlines this
week for the discord in the clubhouse. It appears Smack might have to
step up to the plate, as it were, to take over SP duties against the
new-look Goose.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
By Chap Sportzwurth, Syndicated WiffleWOOD Columnist
FORT GREENE - Accusing his fellow teammate of "hot-dogging" to fans & the rest of the league, yesterday Fort Greene's own K-Smack grumbled to reporters that "clearly" fellow Kinnear Dan "Smokey" Gua*ndo "hasn't seen [his own] batting line this season." This, of course, followed a recent league game in which the Kinnears struggled to score runs against Goose starter Casey Walker through seven innings.
Speaking to reporters late yesterday, Gua*ndo shook his head and said, "I am shocked that a teammate would call me out like this," adding, "If you look at my stats historically, my batting line has always been at or near the top of the league."
In what was clearly a move to douse the flames, this morning K-Smack's agent, Julio Everhard, released the following statement on his client's behalf: "Smack acknowledges that it was an error in judgement to criticize his teammate through the media, and he apologizes. His recent statements were a result of the frustration that one feels when a team like the Kinnears isn't performing up to its potential, and Smack realizes that he's not swinging the bat as well as he should be, either. He remains focused on working with his teammate to bring the title home to Fort Greene, where it belongs."
Many looked at the huge offseason free agent signings of Smokey and Smack and quietly wondered if the Kinnears weren't trying to buy a Championship. And the way the team has been steamrolling the competition, up until recently it seemed that first place was inevitable. But the recent infighting leads this columnist to wonder:
Can these two championship-sized egos stop swinging at each other long enough to actually hit a pitch?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Week 2 Standings
| Team | W | L | % | GB |
| Fort Greene Kinnears | 2 | 0 | 1.000 | 0 |
| The Meat Locker | 2 | 0 | 1.000 | 0 |
| Goose | 0 | 2 | 0.000 | 2 |
| We Walk the Walk | 0 | 2 | 0.000 | 2 |
 | 0 | 0 | 0.000 |  |
These standings tell us two things:
1) The Kinnears and Meat Locker are mopping up.
2) The squad loosely translated as "Team WingDing" will have a very tough time making the playoffs, as they are currently infinity games back.
Rumours & Analysis:
As the Kinnears and Meat Locker share a starting pitcher, it is unlikely that these 2 teams will ever face one another....unless the Meat Locker places Dan Gua*ndo on waivers, and picks up starter Casey Walker from We Walk the Walk.
A co-general manager for We Walk the Walk, who asked not to be named, said that the team would be willing to part with Walker's contract for minimal salary relief, possibly "part of a bagel sandwich."
Saturday, May 19, 2007
This About Says It All
An email I just received from Stool:
from Brian Stahl 2:04 am (9 minutes ago)
date May 19, 2007 2:04 AM
subject RE: the heat is on
i'm not sure if i should be saying god i hate you all and this is worse than the trip to cohoes or man i need to get out there and play some wifflar.
its basically the dilemma that i went through each and every time mike and i drove to the dirt pile known as ridge to play WiffleWOOD.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Breaking News: He Won't Be "Walkin" Away From This One Anytime Soon
In a stunning statement released by league spokesperson K Smack, Co-Commissioner Gua*ndo has handed down a stern punishment to Casey Walker for his "defamatory and libelous comments that have put a stain on the pristine history of WiffleWOOD. This league was founded by three patriots in 2001, and after six years we'd hoped that the people, especially our own players, would respect the groundbreaking work that was done in Ridge and that is continuing to be done in Fort Greene."
Walker has been suspended for 6 days, to be enforced this upcoming Sunday, May 20th, through Friday, May 25th. He could not be reached for comment.
Casey Walker, walking in an alleged substance-tainted stupor around the outskirts of Old Wizard Park. The resemblance to Peter "The Fire Fiend" Braunstein is intentional.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Pitching & Defense - A Brief Analysis
Versus:
Terrifying.
We're Too Brave For You, Mother Nature
Amateur Meteorologist (and Week 1 MVP) Neel Williams informs us that there is a high likelihood of "clouds and rain showers" this weekend. Way to rain on our fucking wifflerade, Neel. U spell ur name stupid.
We at WiffleWOOD West take our players' safety very seriously. But we also recognize that it's times like these we learn to live again. Some of the bravest moments in human history have happened during the rain (see #2 on the all-time Brave Rain Performances List below).
Mother Nature, we respect you. We fear you. But come Saturday, we must wiffle.
#2 All-Time Brave Rain Performance: Goo Goo Dolls perform smash-hit "Iris" in storm.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Commish Cracking?
Rumors are spreading throughout Brooklyn that league co-founder Dan Gua*ndo has let the pressures of WiffleWOOD West get the best of him. Shocking photos (courtesy of the NY Post) show the commish in a horrifying state, clearly under the influence of some type of hallucinogen.
When questioned, the commish allegedly mumbled "the fans have turned on me," and began listing fan initiatives such as Free Pants Day at Old Wizard Park that could "stop them from eating us."
Developing...
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Day 1: You Should Never Throw A Meatball To An Italian
5/12/07. Opening Day of WiffleWOOD West. Deceptively sunny, openly awesome.
Offensive lines after 2 games:
Dan Gua*ndo: .263/.462/.421
K*iel Walker: .200/.455/.200
Neel Williams: .267/.476/.466
Casey Walker: .125/.211/.125
Pitching lines after 2 games:
Dan Gua*ndo: 3BB, 2H, 10K, 0ER, 8IP, .625WHIP, 11.25K/9, 0ERA
K*iel Walker: 5BB, 1H, 1K, 1ER, 2.1 IP, 2.4 WHIP, 3.6K/9, 3.6 ERA
Neel Williams: 5BB, 4H, 4K, 0ER, 4IP, 2.25WHIP, 9.00K/9, 0ERA
Casey Walker: 10BB, 9H, 4K, 4ER, 7.1 IP, 2.68 WHIP, 4.8K/9, 4.8 ERA
Fielding:
Casey: 3 E (all committed in the same inning - a feat matched only by outfielder Kip Selbach in 1904)
A very successful opening day for the new league. The Fort Greene Kinnears took care of business in game 1, handling Goose through 6 innings for a 3-1 win. The game ended with a historic Walker v Walker matchup, with K*iel besting Casey on a devastating something pitch.
Game 2 saw The Meat Locker take down We Walk The Walk 4-0.
Opening Day MVP = Neel Williams, who proved that the South is good for more than just racism.
No-Shows of the Day = Brunjes and Patrick, who I like to imagine were in a sports bar discussing joint suicide
Most People Don't Know How Much Power I Have...
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Forever remember each and every day of memories. And don't forget them.